Well, I dug the hole yesterday after work. After it was all dug, I cried.
Crying is a good thing though and I think it’s a part of the process of dealing with grief. I’d show you a picture of the hole, but that would be a bit morbid. It’s hard enough digging it, but then to stand there and look at it afterwards is when I started to cry. Just the thought of putting my sweet dog into that hole and covering her up with dirt was more than I could bear. If there’s this much grief with putting my dog in a hole (after she’s dead, of course), how much more grief would there be if I had to bury a human loved one. Oh man, I can’t even process that kind of grief.
It’s certainly not the first time I’ve dealt with death. My mom died when I was seven years old and my best friend died when I was 8 (she was only 9). I’ve had numerous animals die within my life and young people that I’ve known who have died way too soon as well!
I guess the reason this pending death of my dog is hitting me so hard (besides the fact that I love her) is the fact that it’s a milestone in my life. This is the dog that my kids grew up with. She was our first family dog. She’s named after Princess Diana, because she was born around the time that Princess Diana died. Lady Diana Van Patten. She was little when the kids were little, now they are grown and she is dieing. It’s a milestone for me….a new era. It’s very hard to move from one stage of your life into another. We tend to experience that feeling whenever we move into a new multiple of 10 age-wise…teens, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, etc, this is no different. I associate Lady with my kids being young, they are not young anymore and are starting relationships of their own. That stage in my life is being put to death with my dog….that’s what it feels like and that’s probably why I’m having such a hard time dealing with this.
It’s hard to embrace change – but oh so necessary. Change is sometimes the only constant in life so why do we resist it so much. I guess not everybody resists change…some people thrive on it, but I’ve never been one of those people. I resist it like it’s an intruder coming in to take away my comfortable place and move me to a cold and unwelcome place….all alone. I don’t know why I’m like that….but I am. I could try to change this about me, but I would probably resist that as well! 😛
Well, tomorrow is the day that I lay my sweet Lady Diana in the grave….so until I bring my new doggie home I think I will just be sad, sad sad today….