Jottings from A Day in My Life – Day 5

Well, I dug the hole yesterday after work. After it was all dug, I cried.

Crying is a good thing though and I think it’s a part of the process of dealing with grief. I’d show you a picture of the hole, but that would be a bit morbid. It’s hard enough digging it, but then to stand there and look at it afterwards is when I started to cry. Just the thought of putting my sweet dog into that hole and covering her up with dirt was more than I could bear. If there’s this much grief with putting my dog in a hole (after she’s dead, of course), how much more grief would there be if I had to bury a human loved one. Oh man, I can’t even process that kind of grief.

It’s certainly not the first time I’ve dealt with death. My mom died when I was seven years old and my best friend died when I was 8 (she was only 9). I’ve had numerous animals die within my life and young people that I’ve known who have died way too soon as well!

I guess the reason this pending death of my dog is hitting me so hard (besides the fact that I love her) is the fact that it’s a milestone in my life. This is the dog that my kids grew up with. She was our first family dog. She’s named after Princess Diana, because she was born around the time that Princess Diana died. Lady Diana Van Patten. She was little when the kids were little, now they are grown and she is dieing. It’s a milestone for me….a new era. It’s very hard to move from one stage of your life into another. We tend to experience that feeling whenever we move into a new multiple of 10 age-wise…teens, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, etc, this is no different. I associate Lady with my kids being young, they are not young anymore and are starting relationships of their own. That stage in my life is being put to death with my dog….that’s what it feels like and that’s probably why I’m having such a hard time dealing with this.

It’s hard to embrace change – but oh so necessary. Change is sometimes the only constant in life so why do we resist it so much. I guess not everybody resists change…some people thrive on it, but I’ve never been one of those people. I resist it like it’s an intruder coming in to take away my comfortable place and move me to a cold and unwelcome place….all alone. I don’t know why I’m like that….but I am. I could try to change this about me, but I would probably resist that as well! 😛

Well, tomorrow is the day that I lay my sweet Lady Diana in the grave….so until I bring my new doggie home I think I will just be sad, sad sad today….

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11 Responses to Jottings from A Day in My Life – Day 5

  1. Joann says:

    Praying for you my friend.

  2. Laurie Wade says:

    Hang in there!!!

    • Victoria says:

      Thanks….I am….working today. This morning all of a sudden, my Lady ran out of the back door as if she had no issues at all….at least when she’s in pain it makes it easier, but it’s when she acts like the pain isn’t bothering her at all that I second guess myself. The spurt of energy only last about 1/2 hour though before she was back to the heavy panting and painful look in her eyes…

  3. Candy says:

    I’m praying for you, Sis. Sadness is a very appropriate response to something like this. And as much as I can say that I grieve with you, it holds much less meaning than to know Papa grieves with you. Having created you both, He is deeply invested. And His shoulder, lap even, is one of the safest places to retreat to. Still agreeing with you for Thursday night! Love you, Sis!

    • Victoria says:

      Thank you, Candy! Love you back!! ❤

    • Victoria says:

      Sis, I didn’t respond to this very much yesterday because I was really struggling with this whole thing with Lady. Several people had stopped in the office and gave me their sympathy, one person in particular who had just recently lost their dog suddenly (seizures and then died), did the same thing I’m doing…immediately got another….it was good to talk to these people and it’s so good to have friends who understand the love that can grow for your dog and the pain involved in putting her down. Lady’s imminent appointment this afternoon was on my mind all day yesterday and when I got your response I was at work and I didn’t want to cry, so I responded very short.

      But this morning I want to say Thank you for always having words of comfort that direct me towards God! I think I will spend some time in Daddy’s lap today. You are right, He created both Lady and I and is deeply invested in our hearts, our minds, our lives….thank you for the reminder!! It happens more times than not that even when God gives me very obvious reminders (the meaning of Crosby’s name) that my immediate reaction the next time around is to focus on the pain before I focus on God (oh to be in our new bodies and shed this old earth suit!) …. so I need reminders. Even in the name of my new doggie….to look at the cross!

      Love you Sis! ❤

      • Candy says:

        Awwww, Sis……there were no expectations for you to respond or not to anything I write. And words are just words…..it takes a while for their meaning to trickle down into the heart….and when they do….you can be sure it was something God allowed to trickle down because it reflected His Heart toward you. So glad that there were some understanding people who came by yesterday at the office and encouraged you with real life! So cool! And I’m so glad that you just gave yourself permission to be exactly where you were at for as long as you needed to be there. That is the only way any of us can keep from being crippled, and for moving on to feel natural and not forced. Love you so much…..you will be in my prayers and in my heart throughout this day!

        • Victoria says:

          Thank you, Candy….

          That is why I blogged this (Journal style) this week….to give myself permission to process it the way I needed to process it….which usually takes time….thank you for being right there with me in this journey….all the way to the end! Thank you for your prayers … it connects us! I love you Sis! ❤

  4. Louise Paterson says:

    I am thinking about you Vicky and sending love too xxx

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