It’s Tuesday morning and I am feeling guilty for a few reasons. The first reason is this….I’m getting a new dog before my Lady is cold in the ground. I’m not sure why this is making me feel guilty except that maybe I feel like I’m not respecting her enough by waiting a few months before I get a new dog. The reality is that I am having such a hard time with putting her down and I figured that getting a new dog right a way would soothe my pain. I really didn’t intend for the dog to be available the same day that I’m putting Lady down….. This is my Lady Diana back in 2005 (ish)…
**Fair Warning for today….this post does talk about death, so if you have a hard time with that subject, stop here and don’t read any further!**
The Second reason is this….I’m hoping that I’m not bringing trouble into the house. Vanessa’s dog, Kelso is a big, strong American Bulldog mix. He likes little dogs (because they are smaller than him), but I’m not sure how he’s going to react to a giant dog, even though this giant dog is a gentle one! So, I’m feeling a little guilty for going for such a big dog. I figure this might be my one chance to have such a big dog. I’ve always loved horses, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever actually get to have one, so maybe this is my way of “owning a horse” in the form of a big dog. I think I’m making Vanessa a little bit nervous about introducing this Giant dog to our family. I wish I had more pictures to share with you, but I don’t just yet. I only have this one of our new doggy in his kennel at the Animal Refuge.
My New Dog –
He is such a sweet, gentle dog…I couldn’t believe it! I love that he’s a cuddlier and that’s what I needed. Lady was a cuddlier and I guess I’m replacing her…..so I’m feeling guilty again.
The Third reason I’m feeling guilty is….I don’t want Jazmin (my other dog) to feel replaced. My intent is to give her a playmate and the reason I’m feeling guilty is that maybe I should have chosen a smaller dog for Jazzy. I don’t want her to feel intimidated by this very large dog. I really hope that she won’t feel this way, but I’m a little worried. Also, I don’t want Jazmin to see me cuddling with the new dog and get jealous, so I have to be careful. Jazmin loves to be near me, but she’s not a cuddlier. She resists cuddling…she loves to be scratched and will bump into you over and over until you finally give in to scratching her. But she’s not a cuddlier. So, I guess in the end I am feeling guilty that I’m getting this dog more for me than for Jazmin.
Jazmin is a border collie mix and she gets very depressed when sad things happen. She was depressed when we gave a brown lab that we’d found back to his owners (we’d only had the dog for about a week), she was very depressed (for about 6 months) when Joey died and I know she will be very depressed when we put Lady down, Lady has been with Jazmin for her whole life and I know this is going to affect her!!
You can see that I’m a mess with my feelings of sadness and guilt! *sigh*
Yesterday I bought day lilly bulbs for on top of the graves. I’m going to bury Lady right next to Joey (our dog) and Kiara (our cat). I have an iron fence around this area now, and I planted flowers on top once, but I didn’t add nice dirt, just planted in the typical sandy soil of Florida and they only lasted one season (even though they were perennial flowers. This time I’m going to put some edging around the area (inside the fencing) and add Miracle Grow Dirt to the mix so the plants will thrive. Lady will be the last pet that will fit in this area by the house, so no more pets are allowed to die!. I originally put the iron fence up so that the other dogs wouldn’t dig anyone up, but I like the fence there now, it is my own little pet graveyard. I know this may sound morbid to some, but I feel like it’s so much better to have my beloved pets buried in my back yard than to let the vet throw them in a freezer and later cremate them….that’s way more morbid to me. This graveyard is a good way to mourn and deal with the death of my pets…it’s what I need. We even have a little gravestone for Jenny’s favorite hamster – Molokai (named after the Hawaiian Island). It’s just what we do.
Tonight my son will say his goodbyes to our sweet Lady over Skype…..here I go again, tearing up. I guess this actually brings me to a Fourth reason that I’m feeling guilty…and really the number 1 reason….because I keep feeling like maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by putting her down, but I felt this way with Joey (even though it was the right thing to do) and with Kiara (even though this was also the right thing to do)….I just hate having to make this decision. Still praying that she will just die peacefully in her sleep Thursday night….