Jottings from a Day in My Life…Day 3

It’s Tuesday morning and I am feeling guilty for a few reasons. The first reason is this….I’m getting a new dog before my Lady is cold in the ground. I’m not sure why this is making me feel guilty except that maybe I feel like I’m not respecting her enough by waiting a few months before I get a new dog. The reality is that I am having such a hard time with putting her down and I figured that getting a new dog right a way would soothe my pain. I really didn’t intend for the dog to be available the same day that I’m putting Lady down….. This is my Lady Diana back in 2005 (ish)…

**Fair Warning for today….this post does talk about death, so if you have a hard time with that subject, stop here and don’t read any further!**

The Second reason is this….I’m hoping that I’m not bringing trouble into the house. Vanessa’s dog, Kelso is a big, strong American Bulldog mix. He likes little dogs (because they are smaller than him), but I’m not sure how he’s going to react to a giant dog, even though this giant dog is a gentle one! So, I’m feeling a little guilty for going for such a big dog. I figure this might be my one chance to have such a big dog. I’ve always loved horses, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever actually get to have one, so maybe this is my way of “owning a horse” in the form of a big dog. I think I’m making Vanessa a little bit nervous about introducing this Giant dog to our family. I wish I had more pictures to share with you, but I don’t just yet. I only have this one of our new doggy in his kennel at the Animal Refuge.

Kelso –

Again, did I mention only 3 months!? His head is bigger than mine!!

My New Dog –

He is such a sweet, gentle dog…I couldn’t believe it! I love that he’s a cuddlier and that’s what I needed. Lady was a cuddlier and I guess I’m replacing her… I’m feeling guilty again.

The Third reason I’m feeling guilty is….I don’t want Jazmin (my other dog) to feel replaced. My intent is to give her a playmate and the reason I’m feeling guilty is that maybe I should have chosen a smaller dog for Jazzy. I don’t want her to feel intimidated by this very large dog. I really hope that she won’t feel this way, but I’m a little worried. Also, I don’t want Jazmin to see me cuddling with the new dog and get jealous, so I have to be careful. Jazmin loves to be near me, but she’s not a cuddlier. She resists cuddling…she loves to be scratched and will bump into you over and over until you finally give in to scratching her. But she’s not a cuddlier. So, I guess in the end I am feeling guilty that I’m getting this dog more for me than for Jazmin.

Jazmin is a border collie mix and she gets very depressed when sad things happen. She was depressed when we gave a brown lab that we’d found back to his owners (we’d only had the dog for about a week), she was very depressed (for about 6 months) when Joey died and I know she will be very depressed when we put Lady down, Lady has been with Jazmin for her whole life and I know this is going to affect her!!

Jazmin Marie

You can see that I’m a mess with my feelings of sadness and guilt! *sigh*

Yesterday I bought day lilly bulbs for on top of the graves. I’m going to bury Lady right next to Joey (our dog) and Kiara (our cat). I have an iron fence around this area now, and I planted flowers on top once, but I didn’t add nice dirt, just planted in the typical sandy soil of Florida and they only lasted one season (even though they were perennial flowers. This time I’m going to put some edging around the area (inside the fencing) and add Miracle Grow Dirt to the mix so the plants will thrive. Lady will be the last pet that will fit in this area by the house, so no more pets are allowed to die!. I originally put the iron fence up so that the other dogs wouldn’t dig anyone up, but I like the fence there now, it is my own little pet graveyard. I know this may sound morbid to some, but I feel like it’s so much better to have my beloved pets buried in my back yard than to let the vet throw them in a freezer and later cremate them….that’s way more morbid to me. This graveyard is a good way to mourn and deal with the death of my pets…it’s what I need. We even have a little gravestone for Jenny’s favorite hamster – Molokai (named after the Hawaiian Island). It’s just what we do.

Tonight my son will say his goodbyes to our sweet Lady over Skype… I go again, tearing up. I guess this actually brings me to a Fourth reason that I’m feeling guilty…and really the number 1 reason….because I keep feeling like maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by putting her down, but I felt this way with Joey (even though it was the right thing to do) and with Kiara (even though this was also the right thing to do)….I just hate having to make this decision. Still praying that she will just die peacefully in her sleep Thursday night….

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12 Responses to Jottings from a Day in My Life…Day 3

  1. Lana Vaughan says:

    It is never easy to let go of the ones we love. But those who truly love us understand our hearts and let us move on as best we can. None more so than the four footed family.

  2. Candy says:

    Awww Sis…..I am SO kissing your heart right now! I agree with Lana in that there are very few humans that are as capable of unconditional acceptance and love as our 4-footed family members are. And I might add…..that the number of humans capable of loving UNCONDITIONALLY back (after the family member has chewed up a prized possession) are few and far between…hence the number of dogs that need rescuing. YOU are definitely one of the “few” that are as loyal back to the animal kingdom. I love your beautiful heart…I KNOW God does….but you can be assured that your animals not only do as well, but also recognize you as a ‘safe place’….and that nothing they do puts them in a position of risk. It’s the sweetness of your heart that dumps you now at entrance to the ‘Land of Guilt’.

    But Sis… don’t have to step across the threshold. Your sense of right and accountability have already deemed you as a non-resident to the land of Guilt. Your decision to put down any animal has ALWAYS been rooted in the foundation of doing what is BEST for them, NOT what is EASIEST for you. I am agreeing with your prayer that Lady go peacefully in her sleep on Thursday night… this would be so much easier for you both! {{{hugging you with a hug that won’t let go!}}}

    • Victoria says:

      Thank you, Candy! I can always count on you to come back big with lots of love and hugs and kisses! you are so right, the number of dogs in the kennel is definitely a sign that humans don’t know how to love back unconditionally….but dogs do…perhaps it’s why I surround myself with them :). I cannot help but love them back unconditionally because they love with all they are.

      This may seem silly to some, but because Lady was such a guard dog (her main job in life was to protect her family), I am positioning her in the grave site as the guardian of it…I know that even in death, she would want to guard Joey & Kiara. At the end of this week, after the deed is done, and I write Lady’s eulogy, I will tell some stories about how much of herself she put into guarding….what a great dog she has been and I love her dearly!

      Thank you for your words that show me that I don’t have to step into the land of guilt….although it’s so hard for me not to….but you are right, my decision to put Lady down has not been founded in what was best or easiest for me, but rather for her, so that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. I know she’s in pain, even with all of her meds, and I don’t want her to be in pain. Even in her pain, she still wants to guard the back yard and protect, even though she really can’t anymore. What a sweet girl! Thanks for your words and for the big hugs! I love you sis! Thanks for praying that she’ll go peacefully in her sleep Thursday night!

  3. Joann says:

    I am agreeing with you in prayer also. It is so very hard to lose a pet that you love. It’s hard to make the decision to put them down but I know when our Chai was in so much pain and we knew we would lose him during our move, the decision had to be made to put him to rest before we moved. I think it was the hardest decision we had ever made. Praying for your heart and for peace to reign in your house with your new dog.

    • Candy says:

      Agreeing with Joann for peace to reign in your home with the new dog and all of it’s inhabitants…2 & 4 footed!

    • Victoria says:

      Hey Joann, Thank you for your prayers! Ultimately I know that it’s the right decision, but then she’ll have a good day and I think…well, maybe just a little longer. But, it’s just delaying the inevitable and mostly she’s in pain. I’m sorry for the loss of your Chai. How long ago was it that you had to put him/her down? It is one of the hardest decisions to make…I agree with you. Thank you again for your prayers, for peace to reign in our home with the new doggie, and for my heart….very sweet of you!

  4. Sheri says:

    Our pets are part of our family. We love them like our children, confide in them like our friends, and hold them in our hearts like no other creatures. They keep us warm on cold days and give us sympathy better than any two-footed person around. As I sit here my four-legged friend is snuggled right up next to me, sighing in her sleep. I can not imagine me without her affection but I also cannot imagine letting her suffer needlessly when her time comes. It’s the mark of a truly loving owner to brave the days you have coming ahead…doing what is best for her.

    • Victoria says:

      Yes, Sheri, you are so right, they are a part of our family….I couldn’t have worded it better than you did! I agree with you and I don’t want Lady to suffer anymore. She does have good days (or partial days), but the pain all too quickly comes back. Thanks for your kind words and for your insight into this loving world of our pets!

  5. Linda says:

    you know sis when our husky died I had to take him to the vet at midnight to put him down…He was like 17 yrs old and he had fallen and broke his neck. the kids called me at workwhen it happened……it was a very hard thing that had to be done….I cried when they put the needle in him… I still cry when I talk about it… while they put the needle in I apologized to him over and over again….telling him how much we really love him….but you know when all is said and done, I felt guilty for prolonging his life the way we did, because we didn’t prolong his life for his gain, we prolonged his life for us….and that was very selfish on our part… he was suffering from arthritis and losing his eyesight, had trouble walking…we gave him medicene and all to try to help….
    what I am trying to say is that you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to give another dog a chance at love…..I think your dear sweet dog would want you to think that way….I am very sorry for your lose, I know how you feel. It definetely does not get any easier with each pet, but you getting another so soon is the best thing you could do for you…

    • Victoria says:

      Hey Linda, I didn’t realize that your husky was 17 years old! Wow….she lived a good long life. I think it’s so much more traumatic when there’s an emergency like that and you have to act fast…that’s what happened with our Joey dog, he got injured beyond what we could afford to fix and had to put him down. It does leave you reeling without a lot of time to process what just happened. Lady has not fallen or anything, but her back legs collapse on her all the time….when she’s doing the slightest thing, like going up the little step by our back door. Sometimes another dog will bump into her and her back legs collapse. But she’s in pain, you can see it in her eyes. We prolonged Lady’s life by about 1 and 1/2 years with medicine…and it really did work to relieve her pain, but over the last 4 months the medicine has stopped working and she has gone downhill rather quickly. So I know it’s time….the medicine has not stopped working, but her pain has increased so much that the medicine barely touches it anymore,….Lady is 14 and 1/2….she would have been 15 in August. But you are so right, to keep her alive anymore would be for us and not for her. Thanks for sharing your story, Sis and thanks for your encouraging words!! It doesn’t get any easier at all, you are so right, but because we love them so much, we let them go! Thanks for the encouraging words about getting my new dog as well! I love you with all my heart too, little Sis! Muah!!

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