Healing from the pain of always living Between the Lines….

Sometimes you find a song (or two or three) that just says exactly what you’ve felt for a long time, but couldn’t put words to. Ever notice that?! Well, there are a couple of artists that I have found who seem to say all the words I have felt…exactly as I would have said them….if I had had the words to put the feelings into thought at the time they were happening to me.                  One of those artists is John Mayer and the other one is Sara Bareilles.

One of Sara Bareilles’ songs that I have really been able to connect to is entitled “Between the Lines”. I guess I have connected to this song because I have had someone in my life who has made me feel like I am not living in a real world…like there is always a hidden meaning that I can’t quite figure out….like the truth is never told to me….like mind games are the “norm” … and like the only time I really hear them properly is when there is complete silence…and the silence seems to be unending….and the silence is so loud that it seems deafening! One cannot always read between the lines when there are no real words to make sense of until you begin to realize how much is being spoken in the silence. Then I begin to listen to the silence and then and only then do I hear LOUD and CLEAR what they are saying to me. Then I realized that it was only in the silence that they spoke the truth to me…and the truth was in my face….loud and clear! I listened carefully and clearly to the silence and finally heard the truth!!

Some people love to live in the shadows…with a constant cloud over their heads….with a continuous question as to what they really mean….with a huge “I got a secret” mentality that leaves everyone around them questioning themselves and wondering if they are going crazy.

To this lifestyle I say NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!     No longer will I be unsure of how to act…                              No longer will I feel like my mind is confused and ready to scream…                                  No longer will I live under a shadow of half truths and deceit…                                       No longer will the lines of “right and wrong” be fuzzy for me…No longer will I live under an oppressed cloud of doubt and second-guessing myself…No longer will I feel belittled to say what is on my mind…No longer will I submit myself to living in the shadows and feeling like I’ve lost my mind!

I am free! I am free in Christ! Christ has set me free…I am free INDEED!! So why would I want to live in the shadows? Why would I want to live with constant mind games? Why would I want to live under a constant cloud? Why would I want to live with constant deceit? Why would I want to feel like I’m constantly losing my mind?

I DON’T!

I want to live in the sunshine….I want to live with the SON pouring out His love onto my face! I want to live openly and honestly with my face turned toward Heaven and the warmth of the Son pouring down onto me and into my life! This is how I will choose to live….no longer in the shadows of deceit and pain, but in the Light and under the protection of the Son! I am a daughter of the King, not a slave of lies & deceit! Hallelujah!

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
‘Cause I can’t continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters, if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times

My memory is cruel
I’m queen of attention-to-details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I’d heard him
Say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines

I thought, thought I was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me, always be…
You and me, always be…

I tell myself
All the words he surely meant to say
I’ll talk until
The conversation doesn’t stay on
“Wait for me, I’m almost ready,”
When he meant “Let go,”

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me, always be…
You and me
Always between the lines

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This entry was posted in Choices, Freedom, Nothin much...just thinkin, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Healing from the pain of always living Between the Lines….

  1. Lisa says:

    I’m glad you realize you are worthy of love, respect, and dignity…and freedom. I’m glad you realize that a daughter of the King can live in grace without being a doormat, and that boundaries are not only ok, they are evidence of godly recognition of our true identity.

    • Victoria says:

      Thanks Lisa! I agree….I like what you said … “boundaries are not only ok, they are evidence of godly recognition of our true identity.” 🙂

      You do realize that you were part of the inspiration for this post, don’t you 😛 … your post about John Mayer’s song “Daughters” got me to thinking about how much God has healed in me over these past two years and how far I have come by understanding and grabbing hold of, the grace, mercy, love and sovereignty of God! Finding my identity in HIM alone, rather than in all the things of this world that would prefer to drag us down…God lifts us up and sets us on the mountain top and identifies us as royalty! :))))))

  2. Beth Van Dyche says:

    God is with us even when we’re surrounded by shadows. Our comfort in the midst of those shadows is knowing that He knows the complete truth. He lovingly walks with us and takes us out to the other side. He reveals the truth to us. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly like ripping off a bandage, and sometimes a little of both. Then He helps us grow stronger and stronger in Him.

    I wouldn’t change the difficult things I’ve been through in my life because of the powerful demonstration of God’s love I experienced as a result. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such things, but I’m so happy to see what God is doing in you.

    • Victoria says:

      Beth, I agree with you, God is with us in the Shadows….and reveals His truth to us. And I wouldn’t change what I’ve learned about God, but I certainly would have changed the way I had to learn it. I would have changed allowing deceiving people into my life. I would have changed allowing them to “snowball” me. I would have set boundaries earlier in life before the deceit and lies caused so much pain. However, God used those painful situations to teach me. If I could have learned them without the pain….I certainly would have!!

      I think that God uses the things we allow ourselves to get into despite ourselves….to show Himself to us. However, maybe if I’d have been listening a little more I could have saved years of pain by setting boundaries much much earlier!

  3. lammilee says:

    My dear sister…….we have walked a very similar, sometimes very parallel path in dealing with someone in our lives who kept us in the shadows and caused us to second-guess our own sanity. It is very painful to realize that all of the pouring our and laying down was in vain when dealing with this mentality that surrounded itself with itself. But the constant……the thread that bore grace, healing redemption and restoration is this: We were tethered always to the ONE who would never let go, never stop loving, never condemn our survival mode, and even more than all of that; ALWAYS had so much more intended for us from the beginning. So even if through the SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS……He was ever teaching and refining and writing HIS NAME on our hearts. He made note of every time we ran to Him, wept with tears of intercession for those being hurt by the self-seeking deeds of another, negating many times our own pain for theirs, and abandoned ourselves over and over at His feet that we might not in some way by our own action “shorten His arm” of deliverance. He has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten…….. HE WILL!

    I love you very much Sis. I have watched, cried, prayed, and endured with you, and you with me. We have both watched the effect over the years in the lives of our children. Of this I am certain! The identity we have found in Him, has indeed set us free to be who He intended us to be from the very beginning. I LOVE the Godly boundaries He has taught me along the way…..and caused me to agree with. As HE spoke to my heart during my time of being ‘shut up with Him alone’, “If it doesn’t LOOK LIKE, SOUND LIKE, TASTE LIKE, SMELL LIKE OR FEEL LIKE MY LOVE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL IT LOVE!”

    • Victoria says:

      Good morning, Candy! Yes, we have walked similar paths …. paths that were many times parallel. The kind of mentality that we have dealt with is psychopathic…and it is lived and acted out in the shadows, that’s why it’s soooo hard to put your finger on it and say what it is. These kinds of people only speak truth in the silence….oh, but when that silence begins to spill out it’s truth, the truth is deafening it’s soooo loud and clear!

      Yes, it is very painful to realize that all your efforts were in vain….all the “repairs” were short-lived and all the energy and love poured into this person was sucked up like a sponge with nothing returned….futile, hollow, fruitless, ineffectual as far as the relationship goes! However, as you (& Beth & Lisa) said, always tethered to the One who could truly love us and never left us and was ever teaching us and drawing us closer to Himself!

      I love love love the freedom He gave you to say “If it doesn’t LOOK LIKE, SOUND LIKE, TASTE LIKE, SMELL LIKE OR FEEL LIKE MY LOVE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL IT LOVE!” AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!!!!

      • Victoria says:

        I love you Sis….more than words can say!

        • Victoria says:

          BTW….the effect this all has had in the lives of the children is the most painful part for me! when I think of all the years put into this with nothing to show for it….it is very painful and feels very empty.

          But when I think of the kids, my heart cries out “why? why? why?” I can only lay them before God and ask Him to continue to work Himself in their lives and trust Him that that is exactly what He is doing!

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